Cotswool FC
Our relentless strive for obscurity is based on a sound ethos of talk before action at any cost. All things considered the players do quite well.
The football club is the brainchild of Stephen Freeman and Nigel Vigus. Using a network of contacts, built up through the years of experience drinking in the Clifton area we have evolved into what we are today.
Initial promotion success was tempered only by four years of underachievement in the third division. Suddenly an influx of talent propelled us into the First Division and rather like that bit in Alien a reserve team erupted out of the bowels of the club.
Recently, we managed to win the First Division title twice in a row and both of the Cups, culminating in the legendary ‘Cotswool Day’, which caused so much damage to the collective livers of both squads that the following season was the worst in living memory.
Cotswool 1 0 Torpedo
A great win for the Cots against the old enemy. This game had everything - strong challenges aplenty, good passing moves, handbags at dawn, a cracking goal and a heavy-breathing knuckle-dragging bald short person getting sent off for trying to tackle Dudley mid-torso, twice.
A slightly altered lineup from last week’s solid win against Jamaica Bell saw Paul Cowen slot into central midfield in place of sadly crocked Nima, with the impressive Phil keeping his place on the right.
The first half was a committed affair, both teams matching each other tackle-for-tackle, with Cots closing their opposite numbers down effectively. To Torps’ credit they continued trying to keep the ball on the deck even when pressed back into their own half, with their centre-backs spraying the ball around attractively.
Less attractive, however, were the actions of that Napoleon complex personified Gav, who had clearly had too much food colouring that morning and was steaming around breathing heavily like a psychotic bald toddler, which inevitably led to him being sent to the naughty step.
About 10 minutes in he tried to win a 50-50 ball by removing Dudley’s legs at the knee, which was a terribly violent challenge and should have been a straight red, then a yellow, then a red again, which he later followed up with a full-throttled boot in the chest to a prone Duds (again).
Following this belated sending-off he stalked the touchline in his Ages 10-12 training top barking at Cotswool players about how bad at football they were - which as far as insults go, is like telling the Pope he’s Catholic.
Following the fairly evenly-matched first half, during which Phil scored with a clinical finish from a probing cross from Elford (or Stu), and Gavildinho’s dismissal, Torps actually improved, causing the rest of the match to be played predominantly in Cotswool’s half, with the odd swift counter-attack in reply.
Fortunately, bar a bit of handbags from Mr Berridge (who has vowed to complete an Anger Management course in the following weeks), the defence kept it’s calm, with Danny excellent in the centre. Moxey only had one shot to save - it was that sort of game, lots of action, but very few clear-cut chances.
Elsewhere, Duds and Kenward were great in the middle of the park, Paul offered energetic support to the slightly-isolated but hard-running Eddie, Phil finished well and worked his (slightly-unfit) socks off, and Stu offered great cover for a beseiged Elford.
Overall a very good performance. Tight at the back, committed in midfield, well supported up front, and good finishing. Blimey.
Moxey - 8.0 - commanding, well protected
Berridge - 8.0 - tetchy, good tackling
Craig - 8.5 - alert, good covering
Danny - 9 (star man) - vocal, good positioning, a leader’s performance
Elf - 8.5 - energised, solid
Phil - 8.0 - good finishing, a team player
Stu - 8.5 - good covering, creative
Duds - 8.5 - victimised, committed
Rob K - 8.0 - foully, hard-working
Paul C - 8.0 - good support, direct
Eddie - 8.5 - quick, great closing-down
Sub: Chris - 8.0 - worked hard, flagged well
Clean sheets all round
Well done Cotswool for the almost unprecedented feat of both teams keeping clean sheets today. This was especially gratifying for the 1sts considering the opposition.. Special mention must go to Danny who was outstanding at centre-back.
Cotswool 2 - Jamacia Bell 0
With the sound of defeat from last week still ringing in our heads we stepped out to play another rubbish team, surely this time we could put them away…..
Wouldn’t you know it we darn well did, a real team display from everyone especially since our mercurial striker, defensive midfielder, big nose got stretchered off after 90 seconds with a broken leg (gayer) therefore bringing new boy pete in behind eddie up front earlier than expected.
I’m obviously biased but as no one else writes these reports tough, our midfield duo battled throughout to win the centre spot to allow the team to play our natural game, stu & phil on the wings gave us real width and our defence was rock solid.
I can’t remember a lot more of the action but i Know that Danny scored with his toblerone head from a corner (i’m still saying it hit my foot on the way in) and the most left footed player on the downs (stu) swung his right boot at a half volley from inside the box and it flew in.
Great result well played, bring on Torps next week !!!
Smiler - 8.5
Berridge - 8.5
Craig - 8.5
Danny - 9 (star ruddy man)
Elf - 8.5
Phil - 8
Pete - 8
Duds - 8.5
Rob K - 8.5
Stuart - 8.5
Eddie - 8.5
BRI resident - Nima 1 !!
Cotswool Reserves 0 Tebby AFC 4
A flattering scoreline…or should that be flattening! I guess it depends on which half you watched.
The 1st half saw limited chances at either end but the Ressies were up for the fight and it was great to see us attempting to play the game in the right manner, some call it ‘The Arsenal Way.’
The 2nd half however was riddled with injuries, individual errors, hoofing, chopping and sloppiness. Some might call it…’The Arse-hole Way.’
Nil-Nil at half time was job half done. Heron and Rob had competed in the middle of the park with Lee, Adam and Greg keeping things calm and solid in front of the reliable Grahame in the sticks. Carter and Sam as the wings backs saw plenty of the ball and plenty of opportunities to support Nick, Mo and Lynchy further up the field.
The cracks started to appear when Lynchy hobbled of the pitch inside 30minutes with the infamous Cotswool groin injury only to be replaced by Vish, who was visibly nursing a shoulder injury himself. In the first minute of the 2nd half Sam took a boot to the shin and whilst he staggered around to find his feet again his opponent took full advantage to exploit the space down the wing which enabled him to stand the ball up to the back post for a free header for the onrushing striker. 0-1. And down hill it went. With no subs we were having to carry Sam and Vish and within a few minutes Lee was unable to continue. Rich Evans appeared from nowhere to be rushed onto the field which was followed by a re-gig of the line up to no avail. Another sloppy goal conceded. 0-2. A needless penalty given away which was duely missed to give us a fighting chance was soon spoilt by a mistake down by our own corner flag which lead to a cross and another goal. 0-3. A 4th goal soon followed but then surprisingly the Ressies ended the game with a bout of possession and chances but sadly no consolation goal.
We fort to the end which was especially pleasing considering the dismal league position and unsettled squad, although 8.5 players each week barely makes a team let alone a squad!
To sum up, it was the familiarity of being let down by unavoidable injuries, avoidable mistakes and void player numbers.
Ratings, well, not a lot to say. 7.5’s for the first half scuppered by 5.5’s for the second given an average of 9.5 per player…I wish…who turned my ‘six’ key upside down?!
Grahame 6.6 – some great saves and commanding presence. Would have been star man was it not for him squeezing in his trade-mark hack down inside the box.
Adam 6.5
Lee 6.5
*Greg 6.7 – Debut in the man-marking role. I think he left the changing rooms after the game with the Tebby striker still in his pocket. Committed throughout and played football at the right times. ***STAR MAN***
Sam – 6.5
Carter 6.5
Rob F – 6.5
Heron – 6.5
Nick – 6.5
Mo – 6.5
Lynchy – 6.5
Subs: Vish – 6.5, Evans – 6.5
Crowd: Tumbleweed
